'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize