The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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