My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
