Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You can't special order awesome
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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