I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
