Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
