Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Randomize
