Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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