I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize