Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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