the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
