Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
