I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
