just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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