final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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