using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i came on her dog
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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