Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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