I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
