hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize