dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
