So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
