I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
