I heard we made out
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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