Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize