My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
