OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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