Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did i walk over a car last night?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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