just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
