Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
is that a dick in a sweater?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
