Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
