my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
