I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
