Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
