Where did you get a picture of my penis
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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