I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
