Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
