The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
