I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
