My friends, they love my intelligence
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
