Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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