roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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