I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
