I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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