He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
