why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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