You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
