...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
