We won't sleep together?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
