He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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