I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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