yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
