There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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