My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
