two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
