Yo dont text me then not text me
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
