Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
