drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
