Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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