Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
